twilight new plot
by Writer-Of-Randomness
Summary: this is no longer a one-shot! we are now officially writing a random bunch of stories about the cullens. they are very wacky and sometimes humiliating. rated M for some of the strong language and cos we're paranoid!co-written by Laura Cullen 4 Eva
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys. This is a total one-shot. My friend and I were swimming when we thought of this. This is our own version of the twilight plotline. I was laughing so hard that I went under the water and nearly drowned when we were talking about this. It might not sound as funny when it's written down, but I'll try. My friend Laura came up with most of the basic plotline and I've added detail and tweaked and modified it. **

**DO NOT FORGET: this is not just my story! Half of the credit goes to my friend Laura. Round of applause please!**

**Disclaimer: neither me nor Laura own twilight, even though the little people inside our heads tell us we do.**

**Twilight- Another story.**

Edward silently crept through Billy Black's house in La Push. He could hear the snoring coming from his choice room. He crept inside Jacob's bedroom. Edward brought out the many knives from behind his back and grinned evilly.

"DIE DOG DIE!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!" he screamed before repeatedly stabbing Jacob. Jacob woke up and started laughing.

"Ha-ha, that tickles!" he giggled.

"WTF! You're supposed to die!" Edward exclaimed, looking confused.

"Nope! Immortal remember! You're so dumb!" he laughed again.

Edward got angry and kept on stabbing. Jacob kept healing quickly.

Billy Black rolled into the room then. He jumped out of his wheelchair with a karate suit on and said, "I am Billy Chan. Wall, you die now!" then he did kung fu on the wall.

"I'm still not dieing!" Jacob yelled. Then Bella walked in.

"Hey guys, what's- *gasp* -what's going on!?! Stop this madness!" she screamed, she had a Barbie angel dress on.

"Shut up and back off bitch!" Edward shouted, stabbing Bella in the chest and throwing her to the ground. Jasper walked in at that moment. He smelt the blood and started hyperventilating. He turned greener and greener.

"It's the-" gasped Jacob

"Hulk! Jasper style! It's the jazzulk. Fuck this, lets get back to business!" shrieked Edward. He beheaded Jacob. Jacob's head rolled to the floor, still yelling "I'm still not dead". His decapitated body picked up his head and some superglue and stuck it back on.

Edward turned around to see the jazzulk breathing into a paper bag. Edward sighed, kicked the jazzulk in the crotch and laughed.

"You bastard! Why!" jazzulk moaned.

Edward shrugged.

There was a knock at the door and Emily and Sam walked in.

"Hey! How's it going?" Sam asked.

"Fuck you Sam! You're interrupting my fun!" Edward whined.

"Anyone for a muffin?" Emily asked, holding up a plate she'd bought.

"I'll take one." Edward said, he grabbed one then shoves it into Bella's wound until it was all covered in blood. He ate it then licked his lips.

"Why Edward, why!" groaned Bella, clutching her chest.

"Because this mother fucker won't die, and trying to kill him was making me hungry. Honestly Bella, you have to stop talking about yourself for once and think of my needs. You're so selfish!" Edward explained.

"Ooooh! Me, me! I Wanna muffin!" he grabbed one and gobbled it, it started to squish out of the super glued cut. Jacob sighed.

"Dammit Edward! Why the hell did you have to cut my freaking head off!?!"

"Because you won't freaking die!" Edward screamed, and then he had an idea. He lifted Jacob and carried him in a fireman's lift outside. He gathered sticks and tied Jacob to a stake. He set it alight.

"Burn you son of a bitch, burn!" he screamed, dancing round the fire.

Bella and jasper came outside (well rolled really, considering their injuries) and watched. After a while, the fire went out and all that was left of Jacob were ashes and a mouth.

"I'm still not deaaaad!" the mouth jeered.

"Fuck it!" Edward stomped his feet and crossed his arms. He accidentally stomped on Bella.

"What do you want Edward!" she groaned again.

"Jesus Christ woman! Do you never listen! I want that mother fucking mongrel to mother fucking die!" he had another temper tantrum.

"For gods sake Jacob, just die already!" she screamed.

"Fine! All you had to do was ask!" then he was silent.

"There, he's dead! Are you fricking happy now!?!" Bella said, finally recovered from her injury. She started getting up.

"Yep! All in a good days work! I guess I don't need these anymore." He tossed his knifes behind him, they all hit Bella in the face. Edward walked off into the horizon.

Rosalie, Alice and Emmett walked into the house then, loaded with shopping bags. Emmett scans the room then whips off his clothes to reveal a hula skirt and coconut bra and starts hula dancing.

"What did we miss?" Alice asked, they all looked around them.

Bella is on the floor, sobbing while covered in blood.

"Bella! Jesus, I let you borrow my favourite dress and you get blood all over it! Oh well, this should cover the stain." She whips out a neon yellow sundress and Alice and Rose started shoving it over her head.

Jasper is hanging by the neck from a tree with a suicide note that said; _I saw it on CSI, it looked cool. Ps. Edward… FUCK YOU!!!_

Emily and Sam are slow dancing to the hula music coming from Emmett. Billy Chan has passed out with the wall on top of him (I hear there getting married soon) and there are ashes all over the floor. At that moment, Jacob's mouth pops out of the ashes and shouts, "I'M STILL NOT DEAD!!!"

The end!


	2. Chapter 2

**Twilight From Aro's POV  
****Hi guys, you asked for more, we****'****re giving you more! This is the second instalment of our NEW Twilight Plot line made by me and my mate Laura. Laura wrote this one and I wrote the first one but both our ideas go into both So I hope you like it!!!  
****disclaimer;**** we still don't own twilight but our voices in our heads say 'only one more producer to go'**

Twilight…Another Day In Italy  
Today is another day like any other day. I fed my cat, went to the shop to buy another black robe, Demetri spilt ice-cream down my last one. I went to the local vampire supermarket to buy some seasoning that the shop keeper says goes well with animals like cats. I went to the local toy shop, fangs 'R' Us and bought the newest pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Caius wont see it coming!!!  
Tomorrow we had some news that Edward was coming to try and kill himself again. I can remember last time when he tried to throw himself in Jane's barbeque and the time before when he tried to stab himself with a stake but just shattering it into a million pieces. But this time he might actually succeed unlike everything else he's done in his life.

Next week its my birthday. I will be 1476 years old. I think… I can remember my birthday last year. I got the Barbie as Rapunzel from Demetri and Marcus made me eat cake but this years going to be better. Emmett is getting me a stripper and I'm getting Thomas the tank engine!!! We are also getting a bear high and drinking its blood because doctors said that's the only way you can get a vampire high!  
I ran into Jacob the other day and asked him if he would like to come and stroke my cat Mr. Muffin. He said muffins bring him bad memories. So I said ok would you like to come help me with dinner with my new knife it can cut a wolfs head off!!! He ran off screaming. What's his problem.  
Well I'm going back to fangs 'R' us to get the new and ultra Hannah Montana wig, new in today, that might cover my greys.

The end!


	3. Chapter 3

Renesmee- The Dark Lord  
**Hey guys we have decided to do a lot of plot lines for you to laugh your heads off at. Now then this is our Renesmee version so I hope you enjoy. ******

I'm going in for the kill, the last Barbie doll till my whole set is wiped out. I pounce, ripping its head and arms off, plastic flying every where. Ken looks traumatised that his girlfriend is being ripped to shreds, but he's next, then I go in for…….Mommy.  
Ken is over and done with, all that's left is the remains of his, you know what. Now time to get the weapons out. Before I attack Mom I need the write equipment. Diapers in case I have an accident in the middle of the mission, milk bottles in case I need to blind the enemy to distract while I retreat to safety and the most important my dummy and plasters just in case I get a boo boo in the mission. The mission that I have been chosen to complete is called……..Gangsta Baby In Da Mission To Kill Da Mom Ov Mass Destruction And To Kill Da Boy Who Smokes Pot Behind Da Skool Parking Lot………..Word.  
I'm all set to go in for the life threatening mission. Mommy's on the sofa watching T.V but……sugar sticks! Daddy with her. Why are they always together, they acted like there married! Ok I need to get Mommy on her own and I now the best way to do it. I opened my mouth and screamed to the tunes of Batman to grab Mommy's attention. I ran into my room to lure her in, and yes it worked she's coming in to comfort me but, oh no! Mr. Snuggles my bear is staring at me. Stay focused Renesmee your on a mission! Right pull out your bottle to blind Mommy but oh no I dropped my bottle and oh no with the shock of dropping my bottle I have made a little brown fishy in my pants, right diaper, wait where's my diaper, oh that's it I put it in the oven to make a fire weapon, well looks like I'm screwed. This mission isn't over I will win after I have had my afternoon nap and my cow and gate milk.

The end!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n. hi everyone! This is another instalment of twilight: new plot. As you may have noticed, this is no longer a one-shot. But we just love humiliating the characters in this book sooo much that we thought we'd carry on. Just a notice, we don't want any flames! If you don't like it, then don't read it! Simple! This story is during BD while Bella is Prego with our dear sweet Nessie. This one is written in a script.**

**Disclaimer; again we still don't own twilight, but we did win an award the other day for killing the most producers in our minds.**

**Bella's pregnant, RUN FOR YOU LIVES!!!**

_(Emmett is skipping through the house in a pink mini-dress searching for Edward. He finds him under the stairs, curled up in a ball, dry-sobbing and rocking back and forth. Emmett drags him out, Edward is covered in some sort of weird food.)_

Emmett:_ (In weird high-pitched voice)_ hi Eddy Weddy Freddy Ceddy Beddy Deddy Meddy Seddy Teddy!

Edward: Emmett?

Emmett: _(stomps foot and makes a tantrum) _No, no, no! my name is Emmettelda and I'm your new sister. I took Bella's hormone pills!

Edward: well that explains the dress.

Emmettelda(?): why were you sobbing and why are you covered in gloop?

Edward: b-b-b-b-b-Bella! _(starts sobbing again)_

Emmettelda: What happened?

Edward: S-s-s-she had a c-c-c-craving.

Emmettelda: What for this time?

Edward: Bears liver with chocolate sauce and peanuts with lobster ice-cream and sprinkles.

Emmettelda: didn't she like it?

Edward: She would have done but I forgot the sprinkles. She smashed the plate over my head, then sat on me for about an hour before throwing me out the room, and boy is she heavy! She's like a fucking walrus in the form of a human

Emmettelda: OMG! Dude, you can NEVER forget the sprinkles. You got off lightly, remember what happened to jasper?

_(scene moves to upstairs where jasper is in a white room, rocking back and forth with a big hole in his head)_

Jasper: Never forget the sprinkles… never forget the sprinkles or gun goes…… BANG!

_(scene moves back downstairs)_

Edward: Yeah, I remember. He keeps trying to kill himself you know. He watched Dracula the other day and thought the sun would kill him.

Emmettelda: oh yeah, I remember. He didn't die, just scared the shit out of that squirrel that keeps stalking me.

Bella: _(from the other room) _oh boys! I'm hungry!

_(both boys squeal like little girls and dive under the stairs hugging eachother)_

Edward: Emmettelda! That dress is sooo soft!

Emmettelda: I know, Alice designed it.

Edward: I gotta get me one!

End!


	5. Chapter 5

Jacob The Blue? Dog. Whale?  
Hey guys! This is our next instalment to Twilight another plot. We are running low on characters so if you want a certain character to have a story please tell us and please please please leave a review.  
Disclaimer: We are so close to owning Twilight……In our minds *evil laugh*  
Jacobs POV  
Aha! I have nearly mastered the skill of that shape shifting thingy that werewolves do. I'm the last person in the pack to learn it and when I do Bella will be mine. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
"Jacob what on earth are you doing?"  
Oh sorry Sam I was just errrr…… scratching my delicate parts, you know……practising for the werewolf change.  
"Okay……Well lets get this change over with. We better get down to the beach to so it though, this one time a man didn't turn into a wolf"  
What did he turn into?  
"No-one knows, lets just say……he wife committed suicide and he caught bird flu the next day."  
Ok lets go. When we got to the beach I wanted to quickly get it over with. I closed my eyes and thought so hard. It was working I could feel myself growing stronger and stronger……wait to strong ahhh what's happening. As soon as I opened my eyes I had turned into a whale. Great a big fat whale.  
"Ha! Its Jacob the big blue whale!"  
And that was my nickname for 5 years at school. My science teacher even told use to get me angry so we could see if you could fit a whale into a class room……yeah, didn't work. I never won the girl. She stayed with Edward for 4 years but met that spider man and went off with him, what's so great about him anyway, all he can do is cast a web! I can crush a maximum of 100, I tried it out. I can also eat 7 people all in one. I tested that out with the Cullen family. But now my life consists of 1 thing……going to parties and getting layed. WOOO!!! Peace out!!!


End file.
